Worthy

So, I haven’t been writing a lot. I’ve been busy feeling the feelings and thinking about writing. And there have been a lot of feelings. All over the place types of feelings. I know that blogging isn’t like it used to be. So I feel torn about writing about all these feelings here. But I write this thing for me. I want to document my feelings. My changes. My growth.

My growth.

I have been so busy lately beating myself up about basically quitting on my weight-loss journey that I have sunken into a pretty horrible depression. It totally follows my typical depression cycles. Staying up late. Disengaging from household duties. Over-engaging in mind-numbing activities (phone games, twitter, tv shows, books). Sleeping as much as I can during the day. Doing the bare minimum to sustain a family life.

When I’m in these cycles I am miserable and I know I am making everyone else miserable, but I don’t or can’t care enough to stop. Which makes me mad at myself… even when I’m in the middle of it, I hate it and therefore hate myself. Which perpetuates the cycle.

The weirdest thing helped me want to break this latest cycle. And a HUGE part of me is embarrassed by what made me want to snap out of it. I’m talking, head shaking, tear inducing embarrassment. I thought I wanted to write about it. But as I went to type the words I was too embarrassed. Huh. I can still surprise myself. (Aside: embarrassment, or avoiding embarrassment, is a very big motivator for me. It is so big that I get extremely uncomfortable watching other people embarrassing themselves, which is why I don’t watch Reality TV. I feel their embarrassment. Which I try to avoid at any cost. So why would I watch something that makes me feel that?)

So what is my take away from this embarrassing thing that snapped me out of my depressive state? It doesn’t matter it what IT actually is. It just matters that I use it and run with the feelings it stirred up and get myself out of this miserable condition.

This is how my thought process went:

EMBARRASSING THOUGHT.>>

I’m fat and old and unworthy of even THINKING about this embarrassing thing.>>

Wait. Are those things true?>> Fat? Yes. I am obese. But not obese enough to qualify for gastric bypass via my HMO. Stupid HMO.>>

Old? Well, not really. I’m going to be 39 in a few weeks, which means I am going to be 40 in a little over a year. I have a lot of good years ahead. I am technically not old, despite saying it and feeling it.>>

Unworthy? Why have I never realized that unworthy is how I have felt most of my life? This is the way I feel about everything in my life. Not just about EMBARRASSING THOUGHT.>>

Wow. I think if I were in therapy this would be a break-through moment!>>

How do I use this realization to change my feeling of unworthiness?

 

So because of the above thoughts, I went from thinking EMBARRASSING THOUGHT to wanting to feel worthy and make changes in my life. All of a sudden, I want to refuse to accept that the rest of my life is going to be a continuation of the miserable feelings I feel on a nearly constant basis because of my unworthiness. I want to change the things in my life that I am unhappy with. I realize and accept that it has to start with me. I’m starting to want some big goals for myself. That is a new feeling. I know I won’t accomplish those goals if I don’t feel worthy of them. How do I make myself feel worthy?

I’m not completely sure but I’m going to start with the following:

  • Tell myself I’m worthy at least 3 times a day.
  • Live like I feel worthy.
  • Take steps to change the things I am miserable about. (Everything in my depressive cycle. My weight. Current family dynamic.)
  • Start DREAMING BIG! (I have BIG GOALS that I’m scared to think about because I feel so unworthy. I am WORTHY! I can accomplish them!)

February, Already????

And almost mid-February, at that. Geesh.

I have felt All The Feelings and had all the ups and downs for a whole year in these first few weeks of 2014.

I need to recap some biggies here before I forget.

January started and I was feeling SO MOTIVATED to get healthy. I mean it. FULLY MOTIVATED. This was it!!! I was going to get healthy and lose 30 lbs by my birthday (April 11th) to jump start my 39th year. Then I was going to focus on losing the rest of this weight (modestly another 50, ambitiously another 80) by my 40th birthday, next year. I could just feel it in my core that I was really going to do it! I was excited! I was ready to do the hard work!

And then I had a possible job opportunity that sent me into a tailspin mentally. This was for a full-time teaching position at a high school I recently did a 6 month long term substitute assignment. I was conflicted about working, to say the least! On the one hand, the VERY, heavy, big hand, we NEEDED me to have this well-paying job. We are in serious jeopardy of losing our house. We are in our last chance of getting a modification on our home loan. (This is for another post. I cannot write about all the details until I know what the final outcome is going to be. Some details: DH was demoted, to the tune of $30k less a year 2.5 years ago. Up until the baby was born, I had been substitute teaching here and there and looking for some type of part-time job, to no avail. We’ve been trying to get our loan modified since we knew about the pay cut. They won’t even consider you for a modification until you have missed some payments. So we did. We kept getting denied for ILLEGAL reasons. We filed bankruptcy. We hired lawyers. We are still waiting to hear. It has been a horrible way to live, raise our family, and have a new baby amid such uncertainty. A really, really horrible way to live, if you can even call it living. I’ve wanted to walk away so many times just to be out from under this burden. DH feels strongly about staying. It has taken its toll on our marriage.) So, anyways, me having this job would have financially answered a lot of our prayers, all of them actually. So applying for the job was really a no-brainer. I had to do it. BUT, that brought up so many worries. And I, historically, am not a worrier, although I was raised by a champion worrier. So worry is a difficult thing for me to feel. But I felt plenty of worry.

Most of my worries were about how I could possibly manage working full-time and still be a decent mom to my 4 kids. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. The 6 month assignment I previously worked at this school was VERY difficult because I was pregnant and had 3 kids. How could I do it with 4? Some of my worry was about the baby. My mom refused to commit to babysitting (like she has always done, but that’s for another post) 5 days a week. So I would have to find outside care. This bothered me to my core. I felt like I sacrificed so much to stay home while my kids were babies, and then to go back and have to put the last baby in a stranger’s care?? Even now, weeks later, I’m tearing up just thinking about it. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom (and it makes me angry with my mom, but again, another post). The rest of my worry was about if I still had what it took to teach 5 periods a day. (I will post about my thoughts on me as a teacher another day too. Soon. I will.)

But through all of my worries, I was most worried about if I would get it. I thought I had more than a fair chance. I thought everyone was happy with my performance 2 years ago. My friend is an administrator there. I had a pretty good interview. The job was supposed to start the first Monday of February. I got a call the Wednesday before that saying they had to keep interviewing because the HR boss felt they didn’t have enough of a pool to pick from on such a tight time crunch. He said he would be in touch. It has been 2 weeks since I’ve heard anything. I’ve assumed I did not get the job. The emotions I’ve felt over this have been all over the place. Not getting this job hurt more than I expected it to.

So from mid-January, when I first applied for this job, till now, I have been an emotional mess. With the HIGHS of how great this job would be financially for my family. To the LOWS about having to arrange outside childcare and the stress about working full-time and then NOT getting the job. So that just opened the door to my old nemesis: Depression. I have not been depressed in such a long time. I was not prepared for its return. I don’t think I need to go back on any medication just yet, because so much of my feelings revolve around situations that will be resolving soon or have resolved. But I just need to acknowledge that the Depression is back and work on fighting through it. That’s a big part of why I’m writing this. It helps me feel my feelings.

I wish I could rewind back to the second week of January, where I was losing weight and in a great place mentally. I would never apply for the job. I would never actually look at the posting for that job. Yeah, right. I wish. Since I can’t do that, I just need to recommit and refocus. I’m going to start with my menu planning. For whatever reason, the small act of sitting down and focusing on what I’m going to cook and buy for the week really helps in other areas. It makes me feel empowered. It motivates me. It makes me a better me.

So that’s where I’m going to start.

A Shot in the Foot

My plantar fasciitis has been bugging me since August,  when I started working out again. Some days it is so bad that by 4pm I can only hobble along. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all. So I kept putting going to the doctor off. Because I know what the treatment is and I swore I would never do it again.
In the Spring of 2011, I was also suffering from this horrible affliction. I had been working out and had lost 25 pounds. It was supposed to get better after I lost 20, it did not. So I went to my regular doctor and got a referral to a podiatrist. I was surprised when at the first visit he told me he was going to give me a cortisone injection. Then he proceeded to inflict unimaginable pain on my foot and try to shame me at the same time. It was the weirdest, least professional medical experience in my life!
First thing he did was come in the room with a very large needle, but he left the door ajar. He reclined my chair and then sprayed my foot with useless numbing spray at the SAME TIME AS HE INJECTED MY FOOT MULTIPLE TIMES. (The spray needs time to numb before I should have been injected!) It happened so fast and was so painful, I tried to muffle my screams. He was shushing me. Then he stopped, looked at me, kept the needle in my foot, reached his other arm back to shut the door and said, “I have to shut the door because you’re being so loud. This is nothing! You’ve had 3 babies. Come on now.”
I was in shock. I was in pain. I was ashamed. Through my tears, I quickly and clearly said, “I also had 3 epidurals. And this HURTS MORE.” And I squirmed and moaned more quietly. I then hobbled out of there because NOW my foot was numb from all the numbing spray.
It was a horrible medical experience.  But it worked. It fixed the pain from the plantar fasciitis. But it was such a traumatic experience I vowed, no matter how bad I felt, I would never do it again.
Fast forward two and a half years and here I am at my regular doctor today asking if there is any other options for treating this damn thing. She said no, that it is the best and only real treatment (besides losing weight, which she acknowledged, is hard to do when you cant walk without pain), and especially for me, since it worked the first time. So I recounted my experience and she agreed it was horrible. She then suggested I see a Nurse Practitioner in her office, who specialized in podiatry. I wasn’t so sure. I know cortisone shots can be less painful if administered by someone who does them a lot and does this NP do a lot? She didn’t know, but when I asked her if she would let this same NP give her this injection, she said, “Yes. No doubt, if I decided to get a shot in my foot, which would be very unlikely, because it is such a sensitive area, but if I needed it, yeah, she would be the one to give it to me.” So, with that I said I’d make an appointment with the NP.
At the desk to make the appointment I was a little shocked to find out my choice of appointments was tomorrow or January 11th. So I made the appointment for tomorrow and am freaking out that I have so little time to mentally prepare. But really,  nothing is going to make me ready for this. I just hope it works and is all worth it. 

NaBloPoMo November 2013 Recap

NaBloPoMo November

So I was going to write a recap about my experience completing NaBloPoMo, but instead I ended up having an impromptu family game night with the big kids. So that was better. I will do some bullet points about my thoughts instead.

  • I liked writing, which I’ve always known. It was helpful to have a “I want to post every day for this month” as motivation.
  • I will continue to blog  regularly, but not daily. I think I am going to stick with 3 times per week. I’m going to create a “Posting Schedule.”
  •  I recognize that some of my posts this month utterly SUCKED. Those were the ones that I wrote in bed, on my phone after 11pm.
  • I’m going to include more photos. I like seeing those on other people’s posts, so I should include them too.

Thanks for following along!

Christmas Gift List

I am already in full “stress about everything I have to do for Christmas” mode and it is only the day after Thanksgiving. So naturally I wasted spent some time today creating a perfectly formatted list to help with my Christmas shopping and planning. I am so happy with my list. Look how pretty it is:

Macy

Santa Gift:

Pjs:

Want

Need

Wear

Read

 

Owen

Santa Gift:

Pjs:

Want

Need

Wear

Read

 

Easton

Santa Gift:

Pjs:

Want

Need

Wear

Read

 

Gemma

Santa Gift:

Pjs:

Want

Need

Wear

Read

 

**edited: bummed the formatting doesn’t look right here on wordpress. Trust me, it is a really cool looking tables within a table that I did in Word. I love to make tables within table in Word.**

I wanted to start a new tradition to help simplify the gifts we get for the kids. I had heard years ago about buying gifts that fit in the category of something they WANT, something they NEED, something to WEAR, and something to READ. I liked that idea and  decided to add 2: the gift from Santa and our traditional new pajamas that they get to open on Christmas Eve.

I ran the idea past Scott and he was fine with it. Not too jazzed on the READ, one, but what can I say… I guess I know where Owen gets it. Then I tried to get him to help me fill in some ideas. (Sigh) Not as easy as it would seem. I wasn’t even worried about the WEAR and READ boxes, because I those ones are easy for me to knock out while at the mall.

We did manage to come up with a decent plan. The funniest thing is that Macy is incredibly hard to buy for and Owen is remarkably easy. Such a testament to their personalities. Macy is simple and deliberate and doesn’t like wasteful things and really does not care about clothes. On the other hand, Owen is happy-go-lucky and wants EVERYTHING! Literally, the boy would be happy with

ANY.NEW.THING. A ball? “Cool, Let’s go play!” Legos? “Nice, can we build it now?” Electronics? “Yes please!” And he is always needing new gear for baseball. This year he needs a new batting helmet and glove. He is just easy to buy for. Easton and Gemma are pretty easy also. The hardest thing with them is not getting things with a lot of parts or that take up a lot of space or that they will only play with for a limited time. Which seems kind of limiting, but really isn’t if I put some careful thought into it.

So after I finalize my plan for what we are going to get the kids, I have to come up with MORE ideas for what my parents can get for the kids. And I already gave my grandma a list for what she can buy. I know we are so lucky, too lucky, in fact. I love that we have people who love my kids enough to buy them gifts, I just wish they didn’t have to buy “STUFF.” Consumerism at its best, for sure.

Christmas Tree with Lots of Presents Picture 2...

Christmas Tree with Lots of Presents Picture 2 of 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thankful

I suppose this seems like an obligatory post fot Thanksgiving, but I do want to take a moment to record those things that I am thankful for.

My family. We have been through so much this year and have survived.
Health- mine and my family’s.
Scott. He is my rock.
Macy. I’m thankful for her quirkiness and independence and love of music.
Owen. I’m thankful for his sense of humor, fun-loving spirit, and his  many athletic talents.
Easton. I’m thankful for his sweet moments because lately there hasn’t been as many of them! Four is a tough age, but he is worth the investment of our time and patience. Great things are on the horizon with this boy!
Gemma. I am so thankful for my last baby. That she is still breastfeeding. That she is so busy and determined and smart. I can’t wait to see what kind of person she will become.
My parents. As much as they drive me crazy, I am so thankful they are such a big part of our lives.
My brother. I don’t see him as much as I would like, but when I do, I am enjoying getting to know him all over again. I am very proud to witness the wonderful, loving man he has become.
Our home. Although it is still in limbo if we will be able to save our home, I am thankful for this place to raise our family.